It could very well serve us as guidelines for living a fulfilling life.
On 14th Nov 2014, while India was celebrating Children’s Day, named after the late PM — Jawaharlal Nehru, my family was mourning. The day had started with the hope that my father had a chance of recovery, come afternoon the news broke that he had left us. That moment got itched inside my heart. I can close my eyes and get transported to the bench in front of the ICU. I can see the doctor calling my uncle in. Behind the closed door, the news was broken to my uncle and finally, he came to me, my brother, and my mother with a heavy heart and uttered unforgettable words.
It is hard. To forget that moment. Forget that hopelessness. That pain and that relief. There was indeed a relief that my father’s struggle had ended. He didn’t have to suffer anymore.
He was 60 and retired from official life. He had dreams of enjoying his retirement. Though I had lived with him for my entire life, in those last few years, I had just begun to understand him.
For most of his life, he wasn’t the ideal father or husband, in fact far from it, but we loved him and miss him to date. Along with him, a little part of me died that day.
In retrospect, I feel he was misunderstood. He never put an effort to explain himself nor did he care about our opinions. He was more of a showing sort of person than a telling.
Capturing these lessons from his life is an attempt to understand him and his legacy. It could very well serve us as guidelines for living a fulfilling life.
Lesson 1. No matter how difficult it is, decisions based on values will create value!
As a child when my father used to come home, everything used to go eerily quiet. His presence used to kill any joy we were experiencing. Even if we had relatives at home, all of us used to sit quietly. TV and radio used to get switched off. I and brother used to rush to open our books and put on a show that we were studying. This is because he used to get very upset with the noise. Often, he used to bring the work pressure to his home. As mentioned earlier, he wasn’t the type of person who would explain what was wrong or what pressure he felt in the office.
His was a sudden death. Though the news spread like wildfire, not everyone could pay their respects at the last rites.
I still get calls from unknown numbers who talk about how helpful he was to the helpless in the office system. How he uplifted the neglected ones. So yeah, no wonder he was under constant stress. He ensured that results were delivered as per the office process and not by means of corruption. He stood firmly on his values. Naturally, that pissed off a lot of people and it added to his stress.
Hearing his stories from others after his passing has made me feel so proud of him. He has been remembered for the good he did for others. Many of his old staff members are connected to our family now. They still fondly remember him as “sir”.
It might seem difficult to live by the values and principles as my dad did, but in the end, what mattered was the value he created.
Lesson 2. Your actions will create memories!
My father wasn’t the sweet-speaking type. He spoke the hard truth. Many times, he had spoken openly about how I was not putting adequate effort into my studies. He didn’t care to sugarcoat things. He spoke and moved on.
His hard words, used to make me feel that he didn’t care about me. But his actions surely speak volumes of how sensitive he was. He ensured that his disabled kid, i.e. I, though was not putting a lot of effort into his studies, was given every chance to be successful; by buying a bike. He ensured that I had the best options at my disposal. Now looking back, I don’t remember those hard-hitting words, but we all do remember what he has done for us. He ensured me and my brother were empowered to meet life, head-on. When I wanted to go for my post-grad, though our finance was treading on thin ice, he didn’t stop me. He might have not said the nice words, but he did all that mattered. I am ever thankful to him for that.
Point is, everyone will remember what you do, so act responsibly
Lesson 3. Life is feeble. Don’t wait for anything!
He wasn’t a perfect father because he didn’t have his father growing up. He grew up with a sense of responsibility towards his mother and his sister. He started doing odd jobs as a kid. A child who often ate only once as a kid went on to become a managing director of a Govt company. Now I can see why he was so focused on his career. He never wanted his children to face hunger as he did. He took his career seriously and took huge pressure to excel at it, to provide for his family. But he made a cardinal sin of putting his happiness at a later stage. He wanted to travel the world, and he wanted to enjoy life once he was sure his family was settled. He wanted to build a house and help the kids from the rural villages get access to education. He just put all these projects off until he retired.
When he finally did retire, within months, he felt minor uneasiness. When we took him to the hospital only for him to return in wrapped cloth. His death was so sudden. He was admitted for chest pain but passed away due to rupturing of the vein in the skull, suddenly.
All his life he worked hard and put the fun of the later stage which never arrived.
If you feel like doing something do it. Do you want to see the world, now is the time. If you want to help the community, now is the time. You want to enjoy, enjoy each moment as it comes at you. Don’t put it off for later.
So, there you have it.
- Act based on values,
- your actions will define you, and
- have fun as you enjoy the ride
These have been the lessons that made me understand my father a bit better, which makes me miss him even more, day by day.