or is it?
Be it TV, movies, or the social media influence, we are all sold on the theory of love, and as I was growing up, I was caught in this trap too. A trap that suffocated me for years. If you have been reading my blogs (which I sincerely hope some of you do!!), you’ll notice that I am a disabled person, someone who has to use a wheelchair or crutches for life. I too dreamt of the romance that was shown in the TV serials; that “head-over-heels” sort of love, the madness of love at first sight, or the college sweetheart sort of romance. I wanted something like this. Since I had fought the world to get my education and job, I thought I had won. I thought now the world couldn’t cast me away. My disability couldn’t be an issue anymore — the confidence that I got due to my financial security.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I understood that a disabled person will always be looked at as a disabled person. I was again thrown into a spiral of proving myself to be worthy. Girls that I met, asked me questions like below and once in for all, I want to give answers to those questions.
“Can’t you walk even a little?” — No, that’s the precise point of using a wheelchair, like duh!!
“Would you be able to have sex? Is everything alright over there….” — I most certainly can, but it felt weird when asked about this question. Imagine if a man asked that question to date.
“Do you need to be cared for? like an old man?” — Nope. I am fully independent. I may do things differently, but I don’t like to take help from others for daily chores.
It looked like they were interested in knowing what I can do vs. can’t, rather than knowing who I am. The world ignores that every disabled individual, no matter what kind of disability, is capable of leading a normal life. We adapt to use what we have efficiently; for example, those who can’t see use their ears to hear the world.
I was tired of the same questions being repeated with different faces. The hope of finding love, feeling loved, was dying, and then it did. I understood that maybe no one would recognize me beyond my wheelchair.
I didn’t want to watch any movies, I didn’t want to watch any happy couple pictures of my friends, and I started to distance myself from everyone and everything. I ate dinners alone at restaurants. Despite having everything, I started to feel alone. On weekends, the empty home started pinching me more, so to numb it, I started experimenting with different kinds of wines. There was a point where I decided that I didn’t want anything more. If I couldn’t celebrate my success with anyone, why should I strive to be successful? I refused promotions and job offers.
I had lost; the world had won.
Again… I couldn’t have been more wrong.
During that period, she came into my life. When I had closed all doors, she came in with a bulldozer to rip the roof open.
She fell in love with me without my knowledge and I said no. I didn’t want to get hurt again so I decided to be firm on NO.
After a few days, she called me and said, “Well, I have decided to marry you.” I again hit the pause button.
I explained we had just met. She didn’t have any idea about how my life was; didn’t she have questions?
This time it was her turn to say, “No, I’m good.”
When I pushed her, she explained, “We will figure things out.” That’s it.
Since then, till this day, we stayed together as much as possible. She saw my day-to-day life and didn’t make me feel dependent. She didn’t think less of me due to my wheelchair. She boasted about my skills to her family and friends. She made me feel powerful, more than I thought I was. Finally, I had to admit I was in love. I was in love with her magic.
In the burned garden of my heart, her unconditional love rained to bring back the flowers of joy.
So yeah, I did get the head-over-heels and the love-at-first-sight kind of love, just at a different time in my life than I expected. An arduous journey I had to take to reach her.
She is just too good to be real. Even now, sometimes, I dread pinching myself thinking that I might wake up from this dream.
It may sound cliché, but she, this woman I love, completes me. Now I don’t find myself as a disabled person and I don’t give a f*ck about what the world thinks of me 😃